Where Will I Find the Strength?

I just re-joined Slim-Fast yesterday and I've started the program today. I am 47, weigh 278, and want to stay on the program until March of 2011. I am hoping SF will give me the faster weight loss that will get me motivated to continue. I don't like that I'm not using "real" food for most of my food intake, but I will trade off if it helps me get over the hump of getting started.

So far today, I have been following the program except for a medium coffee from Dunkin' Donuts (with cream and sugar), and I'm ravenous! I had hoped to space out my snacks throughout the day, but I don't know if I can. I've drank five servings of fluids, but some of those were caffeinated. 

My quilting group went out to a local restaurant for our Christmas party and there weren't many appropriate choices to eat. I suppose I was looking at is a "last hurrah," but I had French onion soup as an appetizer, small salad (dressing on the side), and cannelloni with spinach as the main course. I had expected it to resemble the cannelloni I've had that is Lean Cuisine brand, but instead it was covered in a rich, creamy sauce and had just a little red sauce. It was delicious if I avoided the pools of fat, but then I felt a pain in my chest and I was convinced it was my arteries closing down from the calories and fat. I immediately put down my fork and stopped eating. 

I woke up in the middle of the night with acid in my mouth, choking and coughing and gagging. It took me quite a while to settle down and return to sleep. Images of the cannelloni and memories of the chest pain filled my mind. I carry such a burden living in the fear that any day could be my last and the fleeting twinge of chest pain that I experienced in a restaurant could return to be a full-fledged cardiac event. Heart attack. Cardiac arrest. And I'll kick the bucket, cease to live, pass away, pass on, die.  I am filled with terror. 


God, please let this be the last time I am at this weight and help me to be successful in treating my body as well as it deserves to be treated.