I started this journey at 294 in January of 2008. I am not proud of that weight and it was a result of binge eating, overeating in general, poor food choices, and lack of exercise. I had gotten to the point of not caring about myself and not seeing the point in caring. I feel I am like the proverbial ostrich who sticks her head in the sand and doesn't want to face facts.
Then I had an appointment with Dr. Linda Fay, my Ob/Gyn, who started off my yearly appointment by talking to me about gastric bypass or lap-band surgery. And she talked for about half an hour about the reasons why I needed to lose weight and how it is imperative to my health. She told me that my list of meds keeps getting longer each time she sees me and she's right. Meds that I take for having high cholesterol (since eighteen), acid reflux, hypothyroidism, etc. might be reduced if I reach a healthy weight. Of course, I am banking on not having sleep apnea once my BMI is at an acceptable level. It is the sleep apnea that is most troublesome to my daily living and I hate wearing the C-PAP device that I have because it's so uncomfortable. Anyway, Dr. Fay propelled me into action. She is probably one of the most inspirational speakers I have ever met and I respect her immensely. I asked her for the names of some doctors who perform the Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) and she gave me the name of Dr. McKee in Augusta. I went home and called the number, was told that there was an initial seminar coming up on April 10, signed up for it, and began doing research online about various procedures. That's when I learned that, as much as I want and need to lose weight, I don't want surgery.
I no longer see WLS as a cop out; however, I know that surgery is surgery and with it comes risk. My best friend, Anna*, supported me the night of the WLS seminar in Waterville and attended with me. She continually told me how proud of me she is and that she and her husband, Lee, will do whatever it takes for me to be healthy. (I don't know what I'd do without them.) We arrived at the seminar at 5:50 and the room was packed then. I'd estimate that the room holds 100 people and that there were 95 in attendance by the time the seminar was underway. Dr. Treu, a partner to Dr. McKee, was the speaker and he spoke at length on the history of obesity in our country, procedures, outcomes, risks, side effects, etc. All the while, I felt as if I could barely breathe. The room was filled with FAT people...and I hated that I was one of them. I could see the look of desperation in their faces and wondered if I had the same look.
"No," I argued, "I have a look of resolve. I am resolved that I need to take off this weight and I am here for research on the best way to do this."
The room was hot, cramped, and stuffy. I began to understand what it must be like for my mother, who has claustrophobia, and felt trapped. I wanted to leave, but I didn't want to have to crawl over the people who were there...didn't want to see their looks of pity or disgust that this fat woman couldn't hear the truth. I stayed.
Afterward, Anna* and I sat in my car and talked for about an hour. I had written notes to Anna* during the presentation.
"I hate being here."
"I don't feel like I fit in."
"I don't think I've given exercise and a food plan a 100% commitment for an extended amount of time."
Which is why I'm now at the point of this journey. I have to say that since that date, it feels as if I have been giving a 100% effort to being healthy. Is it enough? It is. If I do this for two or three months and I experience only "marginal" success, I will know that I am unable to be at a healthy weight on my own; I will go through with WLS. If I find that exercise and an eating plan is successful, I will continue. I have to: WLS requires numerous sacrifices and exercise and an eating plan are required for that, too. Either way, it's a lifetime commitment to me and I'm gaining years on my longevity.
Oh, by the way, my last weigh-in was 280. I'm hoping for at least a two-pound weight loss by 4/28. And by "hoping for" I mean, "please let it be at least five pounds." LOL
*Name has been changed.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Changes
I've had this blog for a week now and it's helped me tremendously as far as being honest with myself. Since being featured on the Littlefield's Gym homepage one day, I feel that I can't let anyone down, most of all myself. I've had a great week as far as eating and moving more. I only went to the gym one night, Tuesday, but I've walked at least fifteen minutes each day and some days an hour! Tonight I am headed over to a friend's house to watch a movie and I'm putting on my walking shoes so I can walk to her house, which is a bit over a mile away. I never would have done this before so I know that I'm stronger already.
At the suggestion of my friend Jeff, I went to Caswell's Liquidation and bought a package of divided plates so I can make meals ahead of time. The plan is to make three main dishes and sides, save out some for the week, and freeze the rest so I will have ready-made, preservative-free choices. I have washed twelve plates for this and have my Sharpie pen at the ready for labeling contents and date frozen. I selected three dishes from my favorite cookbook "Saving Dinner the Low Carb Way" by Leanne Ely and will start preparing soon. At this point, I still have some choices in my freezer that I want to consume before turning it over to "Meal Heaven." :)
Off for my walk!
At the suggestion of my friend Jeff, I went to Caswell's Liquidation and bought a package of divided plates so I can make meals ahead of time. The plan is to make three main dishes and sides, save out some for the week, and freeze the rest so I will have ready-made, preservative-free choices. I have washed twelve plates for this and have my Sharpie pen at the ready for labeling contents and date frozen. I selected three dishes from my favorite cookbook "Saving Dinner the Low Carb Way" by Leanne Ely and will start preparing soon. At this point, I still have some choices in my freezer that I want to consume before turning it over to "Meal Heaven." :)
Off for my walk!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Goal Setting
I neglected to post yesterday, but I did spend considerable time debating my short and long-term goals for my health. I say "health" and not weight loss because I feel that if I focus on losing weight and working out, I will ignore the bigger picture: overall health and well-being. I include this pertinent quote from a fellow blogger:
Here's the thing, though: At the end of the day, the week, the month, or the year, all your body knows is whether you exercised and ate right, or if you didn't. No amount of excuses - no matter how "valid" - will change the physical fact that you either did the right thing for your body, or you didn't. Aaron Potts
I don't want to spend any more time in my life focused on what I will do when. When I'm thinner, stronger, healthier, more attractive, etc. I want to focus on each day as including separate goals so that I will be living in the here and now as opposed to the future or the past.
I felt my best when I was taking an adult ed. weight lifting class with Rod Record back in the early '90s. I remember how it felt to be strong and energetic. I especially remember the night that I was lying back to benchpress and felt something sharp under my back...only to check and then realize that it was a shoulder blade. I was delighted with that revelation, but couldn't wait to lose more so that I would be more socially acceptable. Even though I was strong and energetic and felt healthy, I wasn't satisfied with what I had. I still considered myself obese and FAT and ugly and I weighed 158 at 5'4". Living in the now and not the when is something that I constantly remind myself of. Back then, I was living in the future; I would feel better about myself when I was down to a size 10. Size 14 was not acceptable, apparently. Have I mentioned that I'm currently anywhere from a size 24 - 28, depending on the garment? What I wouldn't give to be in that size 14 again! See how past thinking comes into play?
So, keeping all of this rattling around in my brain, I divulge my goals:
Daily - eat three meals that meet the PCOS food plan guidelines
- drink 48 oz of water, minimum
- move more! (walk at school on lunch time, go to the gym, do vigorous yard work, walk at home, etc.)
Weekly - Weigh in and chart weight
- Plan and shop for meals for the next week
- Reach out to at least two people for support
- Post to my blog at least four times a week
- Lose between 1 and 2 pounds
- Treat myself to a non-food reward (new nail polish, flowers for the house, etc.) if I lose at least 1.5 lb.
Monthly - Lose at least 6 - 8 pounds
- Treat myself to a non-food reward ( motivational poster, pedicure, etc.) if I lose at least 6 lb.
These goals are not carved in stone and will be adapted and revised as needed. I have recently accepted and embraced the "carrot on a stick" concept and I delighted in seeing a movie at Railroad Square Cinema after working on and finishing my taxes. After being morbidly obese for sixteen years, I can no longer accept my own excuses for the why of this physical body and I need to live in the here and now of being healthier.
Here's the thing, though: At the end of the day, the week, the month, or the year, all your body knows is whether you exercised and ate right, or if you didn't. No amount of excuses - no matter how "valid" - will change the physical fact that you either did the right thing for your body, or you didn't. Aaron Potts
I don't want to spend any more time in my life focused on what I will do when. When I'm thinner, stronger, healthier, more attractive, etc. I want to focus on each day as including separate goals so that I will be living in the here and now as opposed to the future or the past.
I felt my best when I was taking an adult ed. weight lifting class with Rod Record back in the early '90s. I remember how it felt to be strong and energetic. I especially remember the night that I was lying back to benchpress and felt something sharp under my back...only to check and then realize that it was a shoulder blade. I was delighted with that revelation, but couldn't wait to lose more so that I would be more socially acceptable. Even though I was strong and energetic and felt healthy, I wasn't satisfied with what I had. I still considered myself obese and FAT and ugly and I weighed 158 at 5'4". Living in the now and not the when is something that I constantly remind myself of. Back then, I was living in the future; I would feel better about myself when I was down to a size 10. Size 14 was not acceptable, apparently. Have I mentioned that I'm currently anywhere from a size 24 - 28, depending on the garment? What I wouldn't give to be in that size 14 again! See how past thinking comes into play?
So, keeping all of this rattling around in my brain, I divulge my goals:
Daily - eat three meals that meet the PCOS food plan guidelines
- drink 48 oz of water, minimum
- move more! (walk at school on lunch time, go to the gym, do vigorous yard work, walk at home, etc.)
Weekly - Weigh in and chart weight
- Plan and shop for meals for the next week
- Reach out to at least two people for support
- Post to my blog at least four times a week
- Lose between 1 and 2 pounds
- Treat myself to a non-food reward (new nail polish, flowers for the house, etc.) if I lose at least 1.5 lb.
Monthly - Lose at least 6 - 8 pounds
- Treat myself to a non-food reward ( motivational poster, pedicure, etc.) if I lose at least 6 lb.
These goals are not carved in stone and will be adapted and revised as needed. I have recently accepted and embraced the "carrot on a stick" concept and I delighted in seeing a movie at Railroad Square Cinema after working on and finishing my taxes. After being morbidly obese for sixteen years, I can no longer accept my own excuses for the why of this physical body and I need to live in the here and now of being healthier.
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